What if?

Just what would happen if I suddenly lost control of everything i said or did? What if i took the censor bar out of my everyday thoughts and speech? What if I simply stopped repressing the dangerous, impulsive side of me? What would happen if i just let my mind go free? Allowed my entire sense of good judgement to drift away?

I myself can be impulsive, i can be a control freak, and i can also be very obsessive over certain things. Maybe that's why it scares me so much when i ask simple questions like, "What if i stuck this fork in an electrical socket?" I fear that thoughts like this may overpower my mind, force me to carry out the task, and cause me to end up doing great harm. It's a fear of becoming Obessive-compulsive. A fear of OCD. A fear that I'll somehow let my mind off the leash by accident. At least in my opinion, i think it's a bizzare fear I don't think most people aren't afraid of themselves to the extent that i am.

Sometimes, I can't even drive without feeling this strange urge to crash the car (and i'm dead serious about this, by the way). My conscious, of course, tells me to steer carefully and keep to the middle of my lane on the expressway. But then there's this other voice, something that tells me to do the exact OPPOSITE of what i intend to do. It's this malicious voice inside of me that asks, "what if?". What if you just steered the car off the road right now? What would happen if you just suddenly got up, shouted, and swore violently in the middle of class? What if you just straight-out told her that the dress was hideous and she looked more or less like a warthog while she was wearing it? What do you think would become of you if you simply jumped off that 100-foot ledge? What would happen if you just poked a venomous snake with a stick?

So these are the "what-ifs" that I'm really asking myself. The answers, to each and every one however, are the same. I would be in deep shit if i even attempted to do what this evil voice told me. And i fear that someday, i will end up doing the voice's bidding.

But even with that said, i am glad to have formed a mental barrier that prevents me from following the voice's commands. A barrier of pure will power. It's a barrier that acts so strongly, it would even physically prevent me from doing one of these obviously stupid things.

it's this barrier that has prevented me from performing these various acts in the past, like climbing onto my neighbor's roof and dropping stink bombs through their chimmney (even though i've always wanted to do that).

So hopefully, with this thought/action barrier up, my great big "what if" question will hopefully not be answered.

I'm perfectly sane, by the way :-)